Leaving the honeymoon stage! Day 47
Aug 24, 2018
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vuMHNkpmH3s

today was a really really really good
day good day good day today was one of
those days that you have and you feel
like you regenerated your battery you
feel so just refreshed and that's
exactly exactly where I am at right now
like I could not ask for a more better
relaxing day it just I woke up this
morning and why I went to bed about 1:00
know about 12 I think it was 12 last
night
and I woke up at 8:30 I don't even think
I woke up in the middle of the night for
nothing and then I got up I cleaned up
the house and did my you know routine of
running through and getting things done
though you know I wanted to get done and
I came in here and just kind of picked
up which yeah of course the very pillows
are all over the place right now and I
spent about five hours in here five
hours all he was out doing business my
kids actually they behaved hey let me
have some time alone
I left my door open so like I mean I
didn't shut myself out of the world
which sometimes but um I left the door
open
I opened up my window because it was
only like 76 degrees today hmm I think
we all needed a little break here with
the heat um so it was just kind of one
of those those really good fall days
place what it felt like I was just like
this is what I'm looking forward to and
so I opened up my window and I just let
the cool air in I turned on my ceiling
fan and so it just had some cool air
blowing through and I did some just work
that needed to get done on the laptop
and just really took some time for
myself painted my nails again yes I went
white just because I just need to do
something of course
yep didn't learn my lesson went right
back at it so we're right back to square
one where it hurts really bad eventually
I'm gonna learn my lesson so I just went
ahead and just did white okay and
anyways so I did I really just did the
minimal that I needed to do today and I
felt so good I was on the phone with one
of my friends facetiming and she I was
showing her around the house like
showing her just the things that I've
been accomplishing and I was like able
to go from my bedroom to the living room
in the kitchen and honestly the kids
didn't destroy anything like I was
thinking oh god you're gonna see like a
tornado hit no they didn't get into
anything they quietly were playing with
LEGOs and just you know there are little
things that they have on the floor and
it was so amazing and I was like I have
finally breathed today like I really was
getting kind of like to that point where
I was getting so overwhelmed and it was
becoming almost too hard to even find
joy in my days because you know when you
go and go and go day in and day out with
your kids and daily routines and you
know you have so much set on a schedule
and you repetitiously do those cycles
day-in and day-out it not only gets old
but not just that it just there's
nothing new there's nothing new in your
schedule so there's nothing to look
forward to and so like for today
was just so nice cuz you know I was able
to sit in my clean room and know the
rest of the house was clean and it was
so nice and cool and I got to smell the
fresh air and it just was revamping I
absolutely had an amazing day today and
it just gives me that even more of that
kick of I can't wait until fall hits
because this is the weather I like I
like kind of that I kind of like that
darker weather where you open the
windows and it's crisp cold out not
freezing but cooler and you just really
get to enjoy your days and that's just
me that's what I that's what I enjoy so
yeah that was my day I really didn't do
a whole lot but something I had more
time here do you want to hear you can
play with those who said all mama's bed
with those there you go okay
go get on the bed in them I'm all do it
um something that I was kind of being
able to think about today and ponder on
was here go sit down
sorry she's having an emotional moment
because she wants to take a nap and it
is it's too late to take a nap but too
early to go to bed so we're right at
that uh you're not gonna get you're not
winning tonight um but I really had time
to really think about where I'm at in my
journey of changing my lifestyle and you
know there's stages no matter what and
change you have your beginning which is
called the honeymoon
then you have like the the middle
section which is Oh what do you want to
say that is you've got the honeymoon
stage the middle stage is like you're
you're getting the routine down you're
getting the you know getting more
familiar with the changes and you know
you're becoming a more
where of where you used to be to where
you are now and then you've got the
third part where is you are getting set
in to your schedule and becoming aware
are not even aware but you're now
getting that put into your lifestyle
100% and you know it's I kind of found
myself yesterday and today you know
because I'm only still I'm only 40 what
I don't even know what day I'm on human
46 mom 46 I think today is 47 so I just
put 46 up my things um I'm kind of still
in that I mean I'm in a honeymoon stage
but I'm getting past that new stage and
so yesterday I noticed you know I really
had a sweet tooth yesterday and I
haven't really had one of those yet I
haven't hit where I really was wanting
something majorly Sinise and so
yesterday I noticed that I ended up
having a Costco chocolate muffin and
that was big that's what I had for
breakfast or for lunch sorry that's what
I concluded for my lunch and I didn't
even check the calories on it nothing I
just I wanted it I was having a moment
yesterday because I was a little
frustrated and I kind of felt like that
old habit of stress eating / emotional
eating and my coping were all kind of
against me yesterday and so I found
myself eating our chocolate muffin and I
logic like I was eating it but logically
in the back of my mind I was thinking
this is so not okay like because I'm
eating it for my kopi and I'm not eating
it because I'm enjoying it I'm eating it
to try and justify myself and to control
a situation because I felt as if I was
losing control of another situation so I
had to get control of something and
that's where I can control my
situation so I ate the muffin and then
by the end of the night I went to go
look up the calories and it was like 690
calories for one muffin yeah I think I
about dropped my jaw to my knees and I
was like it wasn't even really dinners
less calories than that I didn't judge
myself and I didn't allow myself to sit
and beat myself up and you know tell
myself oh well Amy you could have done
better you could have chose something
different because at the moment that's
where I was at but I felt like I needed
to still at some point allow myself to
self like like self punish myself in a
way of its own self and so I you know I
really I by the end it wasn't a good it
wasn't a good ending because I not only
did I didn't beat myself up but I still
allowed those judgments to come against
me but I brushed my knees off and I was
like okay you know what tomorrow's a
whole nother day we're gonna start fresh
we're gonna start new and I still think
which is no excuse but I do think that
my body is starting to prepare for
anti-flu
so I think that my body is that's the
only time that I noticed when I really
have like strong tendencies of wanting
the sweets and stuff is during that time
because I was kind of the same thing as
last month and I wish I would have taken
note of it because I could have looked
back which I did this time I wrote it in
my journal like what I've been going
through the last couple of days so that
way then next month when this happens if
it happens hopefully hopefully hopefully
it doesn't but if it does I can look
back be like whoa I was dealing with it
during this time of the same amount of
time of the month so it must just be
around Aunt Flo visiting she wanted some
extra goodies on board for when she came
to visit so yeah but today I the kids
wanted M&Ms so I got their baggies and
put you know a small handful of M&Ms in
their bags but then I went and took you
know a handful of M&Ms myself and just
ate em and it tasted so good but again i
sat there and i was like okay Amy here
we are again this is the second day that
you're choosing to now eat a handful of
M&Ms how is this going to help you
succeed to your goals that you want if
you're continuously going to start
making small little interment allowances
if you say like you know I mean if I
start allowing just a little here and a
little there a little here a little
there it's gonna become every single day
all day and I'm just gonna rack back up
the 33 pounds I've lost because my body
will take on pounds like water so it
really hit me and then later I was
giving the kids no I gave SR oh yeah she
wanted some chips and it was you know
she was eating her lunch so I gave her
some on the side of her plate and I took
you know as just a feel wasn't even a
lot but again it was why am I
have to reach for that when I have
plenty of food in the house that are
geared towards what I'm trying to
promote which is my choosing my healthy
lifestyle saying that chips are
unhealthy they they can be but at this
stage of my journey which is my
honeymoon stage this is like when there
shouldn't be all of this going on right
now and I do have a lot going on behind
scenes of just things that I'm going
through that are stressful and I find
that right now I have been turning to
biting my cuticles and picking my lips
and now I'm kind of you know hit a
little here and I paid a little there
and by the time I'm done I'm gonna be
back to just eating a bowl of chips and
eating two muffins and you know and it's
just as an auto cane it's not acceptable
so I really today just had a lot of time
obviously on my hands to really sit and
just meditate on Michaels and really sit
and think about what I really want in my
life and what I really want to do and it
just you need to go around and I already
know the answer and so do you guys you
know I desire my new life that I'm
reaching for is it easy no are there
days that I want to give up no
but there definitely are days that I sit
and I envy people that can eat you know
5,000 calories in a day and never put on
a pound but then if I sit and I really
think about it and I think they probably
have a story too
maybe they wish that they were us ones
that you know eat 5,000 calories in a
day and we put weight on maybe they hurt
because they're so thin you know and it
really just had to step back and talk to
myself mentally just allowing myself
again the mercy that I need to get
through these moments of stress these
moments of feeling like I don't have
control over situations and realizing
that even though I don't have control
over some of the things that are going
on around me right now I still have full
100% control over my journey that I've
chosen to put myself on and that is an
amazing thing esra you need to really be
quiet okay here okay it's okay
just put it in the door so it really
spoke volumes to me about how I really
need to take a step back and remind
myself what I am doing what I want in
life where I want to be because I don't
want to continue to use food as my
comfort as my go-to I don't want that
you know I want to be able to be like
you know what I'm feeling really
stressed and things are tough right now
and I'm gonna go and I'm gonna walk
because that's something I can control
or I'm gonna go and do my bike or
whatever it might be at that moment that
I know I have full 100% control over
that's kind of where I'm at and you know
I I also have to remind
myself that I am human that I do have a
disorder of been gene and I'm working
very very very hard with two very good
professionals to help me pass this point
but I'm still gonna have days where I
might slip up not giving that to be an
excuse and say it's okay but I'm I can
honestly say now I catch myself versus
before that voice that what catch myself
would be shut up real quick and I would
continue down the path of destruction
because I didn't want to face the truth
I didn't want to face you know what I
should be doing rather than what I
wanted to do and now I can't I can't do
that like I know too much to quiet the
rebel down I now when she comes up and
she's like hey you know I can help you
here go eat that bag of chips because
it's gonna help you and it will take
your mind off of it for just a little
bit and you know that chocolate muffin
was well worth it huh it tasted really
good
so go eat another one because I bet you
two will make it even better and why
don't you pop a soda open while you're
at it because you know sodas are amazing
and they taste good wood chips okay hold
on my mole fix in a minute and you know
I can sit and I can make all those
excuses but at the same time my job now
is not to listen to my rebel but to
listen to Amy and listen to her heart
and her desire and what she wants and to
quiet that rubble down and be like no
you know you're not gonna win this time
you're trying to pipe up as high as you
can and you're just gonna be silenced
back out I did fall into the comfort of
it for a moment but I also hit reality
really quick and you know it's it's hard
it's hard sometimes to click myself out
of it especially when I'm right in the
moment of but then I stop and I think
about how good I'm feeling right now
with
you know how I feel right now with being
able to get up and clean and do laundry
in taking care of myself and my kids and
my house and you know being able to
start walking through stores and then I
look at my pictures and I'm like I see
differences in my body and all these
things and it's like is it worth going
back because my rebel wants to win or is
it worth allowing myself to say Amy
you're gonna win and it's gonna be tough
and it's gonna be hard but we are gonna
get through this and we're gonna figure
out a way to get through the rebel
coming up and wanting to destruct
everything that you have worked so hard
for in the last couple of months what
can we do now to continue to keep you on
the next shift of honeymoon stage two
now I'm now I'm entering that middle
stage of I know what I need to do and I
know what should be done but what am I
going to do that's where I'm at now and
today proved that I you know I did eat
those things that I shouldn't have eaten
but at the same time I know I'm not a
place still where I desire so much that
I didn't continue I stopped I put myself
and stopped and I was like no and I did
not crank openness Hoda
that never happened never one entered my
mouth did got my water but those other
things need to subside and I really need
to stick on where I'm at and what I want
and that's a healthy life and to
continue to keep encouraging you guys
and encouraging the new ones that come
along and letting you guys know that we
are we are all human and we all are
gonna have those days where your rebel
is gonna feel like it's more stronger
than your your willpower but you also
have to remind yourself how far you've
gotten and what you want to succeed and
that rebel will come real quiet real
quick and your voice will be heard and I
just today was an app's
Aleut amazing day I didn't do really any
working out today I didn't want to focus
on that today I really needed to just
focus on self-care you know and self
compassion on myself because the last
couple of days happened strong
struggling IDI and wise has been a
little bit of a struggle with those
choices that I you know and I'm being
honest with you guys there's no point in
lying about it if I lie about it what am
i doing
you know what would I do there's no
point to lie about something especially
when you trust the ones that you are
sharing this very intimate you know
journey with lying would never get me
anywhere so to own up to what has
happened and say it's all right I
brushed my knees I'm up I'm going I'm
gonna have an amazing dinner tonight and
it was a few slip-ups but you know what
slip-ups are gonna happen but we're just
gonna get up and keep going and not
allow myself to sit and ponder in how
bad I was and what my decisions were
just not worth it and I did get my bike
my bike cord out so I'm gonna hopefully
start tomorrow doing my bike which is
gonna be exciting and continue to press
forward with my walking and probably
inside the house depending on the
weather and just continue to do what I
can physically to bump up my exercising
and continuing to build my strength of
my muscles my legs my back and keep
going because you know I think I'm
finally at that point where I'm exiting
the honeymoon and I'm entering into the
now we're getting real you know things
are starting to change my life is
starting to change in a different way my
attitude is starting to change in so
many ways and so the honeymoon part is
closing but a new chapter is opening
as much as it can be scary it can so be
exciting and I can't wait now to start
this next chapter along with all of you
guys because you guys have been with me
since the very beginning most of you and
if not you all are jumping on and you
guys will figure it all out and I
encourage you to go back and watch the
beginning of my show my show like I'm
you know TLC or something hold on but I
encourage you to go back and watch some
of my old videos with when I very first
started to worry him today and build
yourself up because you'll see the what
I'm talking about about the honeymoon
stage versus a new chapter I'm in and
we're gonna see where this is gonna take
us because you know what a lot of you
guys are entering the same chapter as I
am cuz we all start at the same time so
anyways I am going to close here because
my daughter thinks that she's going to
be getting into all myself now um but I
really hope that you guys had an awesome
awesome Thursday and tomorrow like I
said I really am hoping that I hold on
that I will be able to start doing the
bike tomorrow and start doing more of my
walking because that's you know only
gonna keep helping me to to get to the
point where I can walk through stores
100% and not be having my anxiety of
walking and stuff but other than nice I
had a really good day today and again I
hope you guys had a wonderful day
tomorrow is Friday I can't believe it's
already Friday like really it's like
where does this week go because this
week went fast so I hope you guys have a
wonderful day tomorrow and it's gonna be
close to going into the weekend so yes I
will talk to you guys again tomorrow and
if and I'm pretty sure I will be getting
on the bike tomorrow but I will be
recording for you guys so you guys can
see some of my exercise regimen and what
I'm doing so we'll talk to you tomorrow
[Music]
